


Evaporate

by SakuraHikari



Category: X Company (TV)
Genre: F/M, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 10:04:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17558327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SakuraHikari/pseuds/SakuraHikari
Summary: On behalf of the mission, Aurora disguises herself as Helene Bauer and ends up having attitudes that she never thought she would have, starting to doubt about herself and plunging increasingly into her own darkness.In the museum with Alfred during an air raid, she had to face her fears and be honest with him about herself and be able to finish her mission.(...)She wanted to feel herself as Aurora, the woman who loved Alfred and wanted to feel safe and protected in his arms. She wanted him to be her only thought for a moment. She wanted that the sensation of his body beside hers was everything that was in the world. She wanted that, for a while, her worries were left aside.





	Evaporate

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Evaporate](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/452639) by Sakura Hikari (my own account on Nyah!Fanfiction). 



> How I love Gabrielle Aplin’s songs and X Company, I decided to put them together in a songfic, just because when I watched S3E9 (Friendly Fire), I associated that scene in the museum with Gabrielle Aplin’s song Evaporate.
> 
> I guess this song describes well Aurora’s feeling during Season 3, so, I wrote this songfic trying to show Aurora’s thoughts and some moments showing how Alfred observed her with his synesthesia (what I missed in TV show in this season).
> 
>  
> 
> If you want to know the lyrics before reading, here's a link:
> 
> Evaporate – Gabrielle Aplin (lyrics)
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEF5M4MsB9M
> 
>  
> 
> As I said before, there are spoilers from season 3, specially S3E9 (Friendly Fire).

With each passing day, Aurora felt more dominated by the personality of Helene Bauer, losing little by little her own identity in the role she was playing.

Almost in the same proportion was her coldness when speaking with Alfred. She loved him, but she didn’t know if the young synesthetic man would love her after all she was doing to keep him away from her, to protect him from her and what she was doing on behalf of the mission.

Alfred and Neil, the last members of the team led by Aurora, had gone to help her to get rid of Heidi, who had discovered that the French Canadian was a spy. However, when they arrived, the sergeant had already taken control of the situation and the despicable colleague sympathizer of Nazism lay next to the team leader.

Despite appearing to be calm, as if she was unaffected by the latest events, when Neil asks what they will do with Heidi's body, Alfred feels the hate and contempt contained in Aurora's voice when she answers.

“Same thing she did to all her victims. The mass grave’s not far.”

“You’re sure you’re ok?” Alfred asks her when Neil walks away to hide Heidi’s body.

“Good,” she answers dryly, while he notices the pain in her gaze.

Alfred, seeing that Aurora would not open up, asks what happened, while trying to capture what had so disturbed her, without directly questioning how she was.

Aurora thinks about how to formulate her answer, because she feared that he would discover everything that had happened the day before and see who she was now.

“Heidi figured out I was a spy, then I had to get rid of her. The mission is safe again,” Aurora says, being objective as an attempt of hiding details.

“How did she figure out about you?” he asks.

She knew he wouldn’t be satisfied with such vague answer.

“After I left the camp, I didn’t go to the room I slept as Helene. I went after Faber and Heidi saw me -- with him,” she forces herself to answer, feeling guilty and being ashamed for letting it happen.

“And what did you do there?” Alfred asks, making the question she feared so much, realizing she was hiding something.

Looking into Aurora’s eyes while waiting for her answer, he felt the taste of shame, guilt, and fear in her voice.

“Just don’t make me say that,” she answers, with an almost tangible pain in her eyes. 

Alfred then understood that they were not just seen together. Something had happened between the blond spy and the Nazi, something she didn’t want to tell for fear of hurting him even more.

At that moment, Aurora hated herself more than ever. Because she couldn’t tell him everything that had happened, for not wanting him to see what she was now. Filthy. A monster. Someone who had destroyed herself by performing unforgivable acts. Someone who had shared a kiss with the man she hated and was her mirror, her equal and not a kiss with Alfred, the man she loved. Therefore, she was breaking the heart of the young synesthetic man even more, with another painful memory due to unspoken words.

So the blond woman wasn’t surprised when he didn’t come to say goodbye to her at the station before she left for Berlin. When Neil said that Alfred had to settle some unfinished business, she was almost certain they involved Irena, the daughter of the station chief, with whom the brown-haired Canadian had had some meetings.

Thus, little by little, Aurora's fear of losing him increased, because, in addition to the risks of the mission, she feared losing his love, because she knew that the way she was treating Alfred didn’t correspond to the truth hidden in her heart. She no longer knew if he realized, amidst of half-truths and the plot of lies in which she was involved, what she really felt for him.

That way, at the moment of her departure for Berlin, only Neil had come to say goodbye, which, despite her disappointment of not seeing Alfred, gave Aurora a certain relief that the British had just stated that she had had a bloody day, giving her a hug and a kiss on her forehead, as if he understood that things were difficult and that she didn’t want to talk about it, but she needed support to be able to carry on.

Even so, in Berlin, despite the growing disagreement between Aurora and Alfred, both had to work together to sabotage Operation Marigold, which would increase Germany's fuel stocks and increase the chances of the Nazis winning the war.

The sabotage consisted of hiding explosives in the paintings that would be exposed in the award of Voigt, the person in charge of the fuel formula. With the explosion, they would create a distraction so that Faber, theoretically a double agent, would lead the brain of the operation to Aurora, who would kill the chief scientist and prevent this advance of the Germans, giving an advantage to the Allies.

While they took this important step towards the end of the mission, the French Canadian felt that the weight of the secrets she hid from the young synesthetic man was almost palpable, as well as the distance she had provoked between them.

The blond woman knew that he would retake the unfinished subject of their last conversation, so she wasn’t surprised when he took up the issue.

“You need to be more careful! We almost lost all our progress and had to clean your mess. Harry almost died in vain! Don’t let your feelings interfere in the mission again,” he says in a hurt tone.

Alfred’s words hurt Aurora more than she was expecting. Of course, she was aware that she made a serious mistake. But at the same time, he didn’t know what she passed through. What she’d been passing through.

 

**_Flesh and bone wrapped up in skin_  
** **_Kept alive by oxygen_  
** **_But right now, breathing is so tough_  
**

**_They say they know what I can feel_  
** **_And time will find a way to heal_  
** **_But right now, time is not enough_  
**

 

However, the sergeant wouldn’t accept that he thought she was careless of not giving value to the effort they were making to fulfill the mission’s objective.

“You have no goddamn idea what I’ve done to get us this far! Everything I have done has been for the bigger picture. For the mission and for the team. Don’t dare to say I have no responsibility. Don’t confuse things,” she responds, trying to contain her anger.

But when the museum is shaken by an air raid, Aurora sees Alfred cringing, paralyzed by fear and all the memories he has to carry. This makes all the anger she directed to the brown-haired man to be replaced by concern for him, so helpless, unprotected.

Thus, she assumes a protective tone, although somewhat in an authoritative tone, in an attempt to bring the young synesthetic man to the present, close to her.

Seeing Alfred in this way destabilized her even more. She was so focused on her own problems that she hadn’t noticed how much he was being affected by the latest events, all this unstable environment, without her presence to help him endure all this. He needed her. As much as she needed him, even though Aurora was reluctant to admit it for herself.

“Alfred, look at me! Look at me, Alfred! You’re fine. Just come with me. I’m right here,” she says, trying to sound calmer and more confident than she actually was, “everything will be fine, you hear me? Everything will be fine,” she continues saying while touches his face, making him fixes his gaze upon her face.

The young synesthetic man was truly frightened, with a glance full of tears, as if he couldn’t contain the sensory overload like a vortex of mixed memories that he was reliving in his mind.

In an attempt to calm him down, Aurora guides him to a safer corner of the museum and makes him sit by her side. She herself breaks the distance between them, allowing the brown-haired man to lean her head against her chest, so that he could hear her heartbeat, as she slowly caressed Alfred's hair, feeling her dress wet with tears who insisted on running down his face.

 

**_But then I feel you soaking in_  
** **_I can feel the blood rushing again_  
**

 

“You’re ok, Alfred. You’re ok. Everything will be fine, I’m here,” she continues repeating it as a mantra, not only for him, but also for herself, “I’m right here.”

And the French Canadian really was there. For the first time in a long time, she was entirely by Alfred’s side. And at the same time it calmed him by her mere real presence there, this fact worried her, because she was sure that the young synesthetic man could see the pain and confusion she was trying to conceal from everyone. 

“Are you?” he asks, being truly saddened for feeling the heavy burden she was trying to keep with herself.

Aurora knew what his gaze meant. That she had seen the worst of him, Alfred lost in the weight of the memories he would have forever and, as she helped him to face it, the brown-haired Canadian wanted her to share with him what so haunted her soul.

The blond spy didn’t know where to start, but she knew she couldn’t hide it from him forever. She knew that not only his walls had fallen with the bombing, but her own had also given in.

“Alfred, I don’t want you to see me and remember me as that,” she says still reluctantly, “as I see myself.”

“As what?” he asks, encouraging her to continue.

“A monster. I don’t want you to see me as that,” she says, with her eyes filled with tears.

To be honest, Aurora feared that he wouldn’t love her any more if he knew what she had done, what she had been able to do. The French Canadian could learn to deal with the fact that she was a monster, but she couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing Alfred, of not being the woman he had expected her to be, for not knowing what was right or wrong anymore.

To the surprise of the blond spy, his reaction wasn’t of disappointment or aversion to her words, but a sincere answer, in the sweetest tone she ever seen in his voice.

“Nothing you can say changes how I feel about you”, he says, holding her hands in his, supporting her.

His response disarmed Aurora completely, and the French Canadian allowed herself to cry. She let him see how she actually felt. Confused, angry, and disgusted with herself, but at the same time, she couldn’t bear to carry this burden on her own anymore.

 

**_When it’s too hard and too late_  
** **_When I’m too tired to run away_  
** **_When it can’t stay the way it was,_  
** **_I need you ‘cause_  
** **_You smash the trouble I can’t take_  
** **_And all the pieces of the break_  
** **_Evaporate, evaporate, evaporate_  
**

 

Without her walls, her words began to flow like her tears, without the blond spy being able to contain either.

“At Schmidt’s party, I did something terrible. Something I should never have done and I couldn’t face you. I killed an innocent man. One of the Jewish servants. I see his face whenever I close my eyes. He’s just so afraid, and so so helpless, silently begging me to not kill him. But even so, I did that,” she says, with the anger of herself evident in the taste Alfred was feeling in her voice.

Aurora takes a break. The pain in her gaze is clear. Her tears fall copiously, marking her face with pain and shame of herself. She breathes deeply and continues.

“And for what? To impress a Nazi. I murdered a Jew, just because he was Jewish. I’m no better than any Nazi,” she says, moving away from Alfred.

The brown-haired man then understood why it had affected her so much. She was the daughter of a German Jew and felt like she had killed someone like her own father. As if she had killed her own people and become exactly what she fought against. 

She had too many blood in her hands. Her boyfriend René. Her own people. Many innocent people. In her mind, she was a monster, someone with a heavy heart, heavy because of her own dark sins that no one could help her to bear them.

“I don’t know who I am anymore,” she says, confessing her greatest fear, while Alfred feels the taste of pain and shame in her voice, matched by the black shade surrounding her instead of the blue that calmed him down.

He knew the blond spy was haunted by the possibility of one day looking in the mirror and seeing only Helene Bauer when she confessed to him that she dreamed in German and was beginning to lose herself. But now things were more complicated. He needed the French Canadian to see herself as he saw her. That the sergeant remembers who she really was.

That is why he said with confidence, “that wasn’t you who did these things. That was Helene Bauer. I know you. I know who you are. You’re _Aurora_. You are _Aurora_ ,” Alfred says, coming closer to her and caressing her shoulder, trying to comfort her.

Aurora knew how much her own name meant to him. Her name represented who she really was and whether Alfred was able to pronounce it, not once, softly, as if he was testing if he could handle the fact of saying it, but twice, as if he was sure of who she was and now he knew how to deal with the fact of loving her, made her feel very grateful.

 

**_I don’t know how the words you say_  
** **_Hold a thousand times more weight_  
** **_Than any word I’ve heard before_  
**

 

If Alfred didn’t see her as a monster, it was a start. If he saw what was in her soul and didn’t hate her, but rather helped her to find the way out of her own darkness, the blond woman could allow herself to love him.

 

**_But then I feel you soaking in,_  
** **_I can feel the blood rushing again_  
** **_Through my veins, I can feel the pulse begin to race_  
**

**_When it’s too hard and too late_  
** **_When I’m too tired to run away_  
** **_When it can’t stay the way it was,_  
** **_I need you ‘cause_  
** **_You smash the trouble I can’t take_  
** **_And all the pieces of the break_  
** **_Evaporate, evaporate, evaporate_  
**

 

Alfred had made her recover herself. He was the light in the darkness. He had made Aurora regain herself, remembering who she really was.

She was Aurora Luft, French Canadian, daughter of a German Jew, and had sacrificed everything to see the end of the war. She just pretended to be Helene Bauer for a bigger goal and could speak German because of her father, not just to infiltrate a mission.

She strived for she wouldn’t have to hide her origins and be proud of being half Jewish. She fought for people like her cousin Lotte not to be killed by a stupid ideal of pure race.

Aurora knew she would do whatever it takes to end the war and destroy Nazism. But now she saw that she didn’t have to carry her burdens alone. Alfred was there with her. He loved her and didn’t care about what she had done, because he would be there with her, whenever she needed.

So she just wanted to thank him for helping her recover herself. She wanted to stop lying about everything for a moment, before being Helene Bauer once again.

She wanted to allow herself to love him, not caring for Sinclair's orders to have no love relationship with the brown-haired Canadian. Like when she hugged Alfred in Poland, grateful that he was alive, but at the same time seeking his support to bear the loss of Harry.

Thus, Aurora decided to give vent to what was in her heart, too tired to keep running away from what she felt. Kissing him to thank him for everything, the blond woman allowed herself to kiss him as she had not allowed herself before.

She kissed him the way she had wanted to, since their eyes met while they got dressed to go to Faber's promotion party. In which behind a simple "you’re ok?" placing a brooch in the dress of the French Canadian, Alfred touched affectionately her shoulder and she caressed his hand. And it had been evident to both of them that there was a tension in the air, repressed desires, and that the blond spy just didn’t kiss him because they were being watched.

So, she finally gave vent to the desire she felt to be closer to him, to feel his touch and his kiss, what she felt every time they were together, when they changed their clothes together.

Before she actually realized what she was doing, she kissed him intensely and couldn’t go back. She wanted to be with him, specially now when the flame in her heart was stronger than before and couldn’t be erased or diminished, now that he had made her recover who she really was.

She wanted to feel herself as Aurora, the woman who loved Alfred and wanted to feel safe and protected in his arms. She wanted him to be her only thought for a moment. She wanted that the sensation of his body beside hers was everything that was in the world. She wanted that, for a while, her worries were left aside.

 

**_Fly, fly, make them fly away_  
** **_Fly, fly, watch them fly away_  
**

**_When it’s too hard and too late_  
** **_When I’m too tired to run away_  
** **_When it can’t stay the way it was,_  
** **_I need you, ‘cause_  
** **_You smash the trouble I can’t take_  
** **_And all the pieces of the break_  
** **_Evaporate, evaporate, evaporate_  
** **_Evaporate, evaporate, evaporate_  
**

 

And she knew that Alfred felt the same way. That he wanted only to be with her, to have her closer than ever, to have her in his arms, to feel her kisses, the caresses beneath his skin. Living a unique moment, with all the colors, sounds and tastes that share so intimate moment with her would make him feel and carved in his mind forever. Remembering some shining moment in such a horrible place, full of devastating experiences, in which she was always his safe harbor, the shade of blue that kept him safe.

But now he was also the anchor that kept her here, who kept her Aurora Luft for a few moments, being the lighthouse that led her out of her own darkness and reminded her who she was.

At that moment, the blond woman had allowed herself to feel as she hadn’t allowed herself before, allowing herself to love as she hadn’t allowed herself before, letting him be her only concern before returning to be Helene Bauer once again. And she hoped it was the last time, since this was the last act of the mission, whether it was successful or not. However, unlike a few minutes ago, Aurora now felt herself ready to face the last stage of the mission.

Caressing Alfred's face one last time, the French Canadian begins to dress her clothes, being helped by the young synesthetic man, who buttoned her dress gently, as if he still didn’t believe they had shared such a unique moment.

“I should go. Schmidt’s car will be at the hotel soon,” she says, sad to be separated from Alfred so quickly.

“Thank you,” she says while gives him a discreet smile, as if she was regaining the confidence in herself again, while she looks at him tenderly.

She thanked him not only for still loving her despite everything she'd done, but for being helped by him to recover herself.

Alfred smiles back and wishes her good luck, thinking about how the last part of the mission would be the hardest one, fearing not to meet her again.

“I’ll see you at the safe house,” she replies, as if guessing Alfred’s thoughts, and, for this reason, he tried to be positive and believe they would see each other again. 

Even though the odds of meeting each other again would be low, Aurora was now ready to play her role as Helene Bauer once more, but this time, not forgetting who she really was.

“Yes, I’ll see you in a few hours,” Alfred says, keeping a smile in his face, happy to see her confident again, “Go, I’ll finish here,” he completes, trying to not make her feeling guilty for leaving him behind.

“Ok, I will,” she says, giving him a farewell kiss.

“Don’t look back,” Alfred says seriously, so that she could focus on the challenge ahead, and, at the same time, she could see he trusted her and believed in the possibility of her finishing the mission.

“I won’t,” she says, with the assertive gaze she used to demonstrate as the team leader and sergeant.

Moving away from Alfred, Aurora goes ahead with quick and firm steps, breathing deeply and closing her eyes, as if preparing herself to face what fate has reserved for her.

Sure that he would finish putting the explosives in the paintings, the sergeant regains her courage to finally be able to conclude the mission once and for all, and whatever the result, she would do it knowing who she really was, thanks to Alfred.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my fanfiction, I hope you had enjoyed! If you want, please let comments/kudos, it helps me to know what you think about my story.
> 
> If you liked that song, you could listen to other Gabrielle Aplin’s songs on her channel on YouTube.
> 
> P.S.: English isn't my mother tongue, so if you find something wrong and want to tell me, I'll try to correct it.
> 
> Hugs and kisses,
> 
>  
> 
> SakuraHikari =)


End file.
